day five

today is day five and the last day for taking half dose of Lexapro which is only 10mg. I'll be taking the whole--20mg, starting tomorrow. the first few days of taking was difficult, due to constantly feeling nauseous, drowsy, wired, numb and plenty of weird headaches. i pretty wanted to sleep and to escape those side effects. yesterday was my first day out with friends and i've say my mind wasn't there most of the time and my moods were pretty much stabilized. I'm not sure if this is what it feels like or got to wait and have it kick in more.

funny, because I was telling one of my roomies of what it felt like to be on Lexapro, she described if a war like 300 occurred, and i would just walk through as if nothing is happened. and i agree.

again, im not sure if this is what it is supposed to feel like but if this is it, then i'm not sure which is worse this or my anxiety/depression. everything i do is new to me, even with the things i've known of doing for years. it's just different. i kept on looking at pictures of me before Lexapro, i could feel the difference...it's weird but I do.

social anxiety

i saw my psychiatrist for the first time last wednesday and i've got to say it was interesting.

we talked about my background, family, environment and situations i've faced. he explained about four anxieties, OCD, Social Anxiety, and other two which I forgot already, when he talked about social anxiety, it suddenly made sense. I remember why i left classroom twice on monday and tuesday, i became anxious and frustrated that I couldn't speak up in class. i got super nervous when i gave presentation last friday, my heart beat so hard, had sweaty palms, felt adrenaline rush throughout my body. definitely not a pleasant experience.

my doctor prescribed me Lexapro, and says that it is more pure than other anxiety meds. I dont exactly like the idea of taking and being on medicine, but I have to try and see if it will alleviate the symptoms. I am doing therapy too, I see her regularly now.

I am already having side effect from medicine, drowsiness and headaches. I hope they'll go away and have it kick in within a week.

I am pretty much always punctual, but yesterday was different. I found myself unable of getting out of bed. I tried to do the homework that I did not do the night before. I was so down that I could not do anything, I did not want to see anybody. I remained in bed and stared at my off-white ceiling with all of those helplessness thoughts. It was too much.

Thanks to graduate school, I began to realize more and more that what I have been going through is not my fault. I used to think that my habits or personality was the factor of my mood swings, I thought what I have was normal, since we all have our ups and downs. What I didn't realize was that, I do get up and especially down for absolutely no reason. Looking back all those years and reading through old journal entries and talking to friends who have known me for long time, I could finally indicate the nature of depression. It all made sense.

In addition, unfortunately, mental illness runs in my family. My dad has clinical depression for most of his life and it's cringing his quality of life, my mother has been diagnosed for depression and my sister thought she had depression but later discovered that it was ADHD.

I am glad that I am becoming aware but this is really affecting my focus in grad school. I cannot afford falling behind or miss any more of classes. It's kinda strange because I am actually in a counseling program and I am learning how to counsel others... and finding that I'm in the process of diagnosis. My professors and I are working on getting all help I need. My roommate who is also my classmate in my program has been there, through thick and thin. I honestly don't know how could I have done this without them.

It has been an exhilarating ride and I thought I would share the journey with you, my dear readers.

Blog Name

Bandalore is French for Yo-Yo's, for those who know me well; I love doing Yo-Yo's.

Yo-Yo is also a known metaphor for ups and downs, and returning from the down. That is exactly what I have been going through and hence I've decided to dedicate Bandalore as title for this blog.